I feel bad that those noodles (I refer to Buffalonians as WingDings) don't know how to properly apply a condom, but they should feel relieved that they didn't have the same opportunity to go through what I went through.
Experience #1
In seventh grade, I sat through my first "Health" course aka Sex Ed. It was Mrs. Ferrari (MF), my middle school gym teacher. She liked me because I played sports and talked a lot. More importantly, she thought that because I talked a lot that automatically made me an articulate reader. And most importantly, she thought I was mature (AHAHAHAHAHAH).
Let me take you back to that first class. We pull out our books (to which I immediately turned to the page featuring the male anatomy, where I would get my first sight of a cartoon version of a dong). I snicker, show my friend seated next to me (who probably didn't find it nearly as funny as I did), and turn to the first page. MF calls on me to read. Oh shit, I think to myself (except I didn't really swear a lot so I probably actually thought to myself "oh Chautauqua Lake").
I begin reading. And there it is in the first sentence. "Penis."
Me + 7th grade + "penis" = liueagfhlyiahfbwhjvbj,sev
I get to the word and try to keep my super "articulate" reading voice but while I consciously make the effort I accidentally put too much emphasis on the word. It turned out something like this (imagine all caps in the tone of yelling as you always should). "THE PENIS, which is the male...."
Everyone began laughing.
MF never called on me again that whole 9-week period to read. (Now I could just sit in class staring at the cartoon D #WIN)
Experience #2
Introducing Sex Education with teacher Byron "Sex" Eddy (self proclaimed CREEP for the reasons that he 1. was rumored to have sex with the other high school phys ed teacher in the pool and in the wrestling room 2. would actually KICK my bumbum when our soccer team wore our sweat pants that said 'kick' on the bumbum 3. continue reading).
Three great tales come from this class in 10th grade at my high school.
A) I had a sprained ankle during the first week of school sophomore year because my best friend Lauren (our soccer team's goalie) completely took me out during practice while conducting a 1 vs. 1 drill. I never knew anyone to actually slide tackle during practice until I met Lauren. This injury forced me on crutches for a few days (which was awesome because I got to ride the elevator---which in high school is a pretty big deal, #WIN).
Anyways, I'm sitting in class and he's throwing out hypothetical scenarios. He begins a sexy story involving myself and my friend Mike. Sex Eddy then says, and I quote, "Kelly, go sit on Michael's lap to make the story more believable."
B) Episode two- He asks me in front of the class to "go home and tell your parents that you and I had sex. Then share with us what their reaction was."
C) As we learned the symptoms and background behind what is formerly known as an STD (now STI), a slide came up about what is associated with the Clap.
As 15 of my fellow classmates and I sat there in the dark reading the slides to ourselves while Sex Eddy read them to us, one word stood out from the rest.
It was p-u-s-s-y.
The Context: Symptoms of Chlamydia
- pussy discharge
WHAT?!?!?!???!?!????!??!
WTF?!?!?!
I only know one way to pronounce pussy. When he didn't know why we all immediately busted out in laugher (because now we're 15-16 years old and finally people other than myself find this stuff hilarious, thank GOD), we didn't know what to do but continue laughing.
Apparently, what Sex Eddy was trying to convey was however you would spell the adjective or adverbial form of the word "pus." Silly Sex Eddy making up words. He should've known better. Unless this was another way he could rub his creepiness on us.
Ew. That sentence is so wrong on more than one level.
Experience #3
The Electronic Baby Project (#fail).
If China really wanted to enforce their one-baby-only rule, they should make everyone at the age of 15 do this project. It's. The. Worst.
Not only do you have to spend two weeks caring for a robot who scares the feces out of you in the middle of your slumber, but it is STANDARD procedure to be partnered with the person you would prefer not to be partnered with.
Mine was Ross, a ginger. He took great care of our robobaby. Too great of care. He wouldn't let anybody touch our screaming robot. I, on the other hand, had it tucked away in a garbage bag at soccer practice and gave it to my mom (grandmother wannabe) at any chance I could.
Sex Eddy mandated that all "couples" had to take the robots to the mall to reap the awful expressions of adults who assumed the robot was a real baby and that we were legitimate teen parents. Curse them.
I wanted to get this done as soon as possible because obviously I just wanted to get to my house so I could spend all afternoon on America Online chatting with the older boys and thinking I had a real chance with them (#FAIL).
Ginger, however, thought that we were really a couple and insisted that he buy me lunch after we finished getting AWKWARD photos in the different stores throughout the mall (FML). I didn't know what to say other than "dude, this is just a project. I'm not your girlfriend."
WRONG AGAIN, KJ.
He only wanted to treat me to lunch because my mom had driven us to the mall and would also pick us up. His mom had insisted that he buy me food to show gratitude for my mommy's taxiing.
#fail #fail #fail #fail.
If you're interested in actually reading why the Chinese should enforce more sex education programs, you can read the article here - Slate Article
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